When What You Ought to Do Isn't What You're Doing.

Going home isn't always easy. There's an adjustment period. Things have changed, people have altered their lives. Nostalgia gets in the way of the moment, and sometimes you waste time trying to recall moments from a long time ago. Well, maybe not so much a moment, but the feelings you had during those moments that made it feel like home in the first place. This is why people use the tired old phrase "You can't ever go home." Because you can't. And I say you "waste time" because that's what you're doing when you've made choices and then expect for everything to have been frozen in time like a capsule. That's not the way the world, or people, or anything, works. The way things do work is that everything grows and changes and replaces the you-shaped hole that you left behind. And it is chaotic, and illogical, and doesn't really make sense. Trying to make it make sense is silly and just makes you sad, like everyone gets when they feel like they've lost something meaningful. 

These are all things I thought about in the car on the way back from Greensboro. And, you know, I was sad in some ways for the reasons I just mentioned. However, I was also happy because, you know, people and things had grown in strange, interesting, and unfamiliar ways. If I try to tie it in to everything I've been studying, which is a lot about desire and it's inherent creativity, then everything just kept renewing itself in my absence, which I think is pretty wondrous in and of itself. Not, of course, that this would happen despite my going away (which would be unbelievably narcissistic), but that it happens at all, and that I get to experience it in a different way. Because otherwise what good would it be? If we had to reach deep inside ourselves and try at being honest, do we really want it all to be the same? Stagnant? Unchanging? I'd like to think not. 

Which is amazing again because when you're driving, when you're in between places, you're almost in the best place of all. You have the memory and desire of a location in time and space, and you have the same for where you just were, wherever that was. Which means that you get to be in multiple places in multiple times, and if that's your reality then time and change sort of stop mattering. And I know that there's always a lot of talk about the "haunting" of our memory - about how memory is always changing us, how history is always just now. I don't like "haunting" as an adjective because it implies terror and fear. Like we have no agency in the matter, like we're all helplessly in thrall to an unfriendly hall of memories just waiting to carry us backwards into a shadowy underworld. I think this is nonsense at least part of the time. Because if we have memory, are always "making" history, are always using desire to create something new, then we can also manipulate these "middles" to our advantage. To use an overused parallel - if you really deny the spoon's existence then you have agency over it, because thinking is making something so, no matter what fool says that it can't be. So it isn't that memory always "haunts" us, but that we get to have it, and live to construct our whole lives all over again, and have/be/experience something new all at the same time. 

All of which I think is pretty great, and (at least for me) takes the edge off just a little. 

I bid you peace. 

Yes, I'm Still Here...

Intermission Tavern, I have to get this off my chest before I can go any further in life: there was an enormous jungle-sized roach running up your wall. I know you gave us a free round of drinks, but that's not enough. Your burger (which I then ate with trepidation) was cooked well, and your appetizer was fine, but that does not mitigate the disgust of seeing this roach. We live in a modern world, filled with devices and chemicals for disposing of these types of pests. I cannot, in good conscience, recommend you as a result.  You can't even claim to be a dive, because your food is far too expensive for that excuse. If my burger is twelve dollars, I deserve better. 


Fix the problem, and I'll come back. You deserve a better rating. 


Now that's done. I have to apologize (again) for taking so long to post. I've been so consumed with writing this thesis-thing ("thing" might be the best word for it at this point) that I just couldn't bear to write more. Also, Facebook is the great time-thief. I've been recycling links, quotes, videos...practically anything I can in a vain attempt at procrastination. I swear that Go Fug Yourself helps me think. 


Anyway, its been so long that I can't even remember what I've made for myself in the past few weeks. All I remember is a caffeine-induced blur punctuated by words like "heteronormativity," "rhizome," and "deterritorialisation." I did make pizza for myself, and I remember that because it was delicious. This is my recipe for the dough.  I like it for a few reasons. It has a wonderful, easy to work with texture, it takes less time than most other recipes because it calls for a single rise, it can be put on the grill (perfect for the summer), and it tastes fantastic. You don't have to have a stone, though this makes for a far crispier crust. 


Now, for the toppings you can do whatever you want. I had some things lying around that I needed to use because I was going away for the weekend (more on that later). I had: bacon, sausage, spinach, basil, ricotta, tomatoes. I think I had some other things as well, but those were the basics. I crisped the bacon and cooked the sausage through before putting it on the pizza because I didn't want to rely on the oven to make sure it happened. It was great, and I want to do it on a grill before the summer is out. In fact, if you want to do some prep beforehand, you can do a pizza party with friends where they get to make their own pizza and you just grill it off for them. Add some good beers, or even some bellinis, and you have yourself a hell of a party. I've done this before, and everyone loved it. Just make sure you have all of your toppings (a pretty wide range) prepped ahead of time, and you can double (or even triple) the dough recipe. 


Speaking of pizza, I was away last weekend. I visited friends in New Jersey, but I stopped and met them in NYC before heading to the farmlands. We, of course, ate things while we were there, and I had my first example of NY pizza. For some reason, I had never had any in all the times I had been here. I get the feeling that this wasn't standard NY style pizza, but it was nevertheless totally delicious. We went to this place, and you'll see my review there as well. 


The slice of artichoke pizza (why would you get anything else?) is sublime. The rest of their offerings are just fine, but this piece of dough slathered in artichoke dip is, undeniably, the star of the show. Also, the crust is perfect for it. You need a strong base for this kind of thing, 
and the crust is well equipped in taste, thickness, and texture to handle the immense field of creamy artichoke goodness before you. My only complaint is that they only serve Budweiser on draft. But, since the area has tons of bars, you can definitely get your fix after you've conquered your slice (if you don't care for Bud, that is). Now, this isn't a gourmet experience. The artichoke dip isn't going to get five Michelin stars on its own. However, if you're out on the town for a few beers, this is the best. 


Now, I'm going to go down to Greensboro soon. This Friday, in fact. I'm so excited to leave and go to a place that has traffic laws and street signs that I can't even express it properly. Which brings up the fact that I'm driving. This summer, I've enacted a flying embargo. I just need my music, my little rental, and the road down south. I need to drive and remember that there are roads that can carry a person away from Boston, away from Tufts, and take me to a place where people miss me and want to see me. Not that people wouldn't miss me here, but I live here, and its not home. And I need a reminder that that's important.  Sure, this thesis is really important. But everyone needs a vacation. 


There are things I know I need to do while I'm there. For one thing, I need to sit in my favorite diner at 2 AM and eat totally delicious, cheap food. I need to eat some Barbecue, and I need to visit the Beef Burger and have, ironically, their veggie burger (the best in town!). I need to sit in my favorite bar, with my favorite people, drinking amazing local beer. Because, damnit, that's what home is all about. And, you know, I'll update the blog in between all of the awesome food I plan on eating and tell you all about the trip. 


That's enough for now. 


I bid you peace.